The Top Ten Reasons Why Soccer is Stupid

 

10. Unless you're a retired old dude in Florida, it's NOT okay to wear shorts with dark socks.

9. Writhing around in pain and screaming because somebody tripped you is NOT cool by any reasonable standards.

8. Getting carried off on a stretcher and then running back out onto the field four minutes later is REALLY NOT cool by any reasonable standards.

7. As a participation sport, it's just kind of silly. As a spectator sport it's freaking agony. NOTHING HAPPENS! One greasy Euro kicking a ball into a net while falling down is not enough to keep my interest for two hours.

6. "But soccer is the most popular sport in most of the world!" You know why? BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN MOST OF THE WORLD!!! Be glad you live in America where we have real entertainment.

5. "It's a game that any kid can participate in." What a terrific way to encourage mediocrity in your children. If you only want your kids to participate in things that are easy, they will grow up to be wusses.

4. There are like 4 billion freaking people in the world. Having just one name is not sufficient to identify yourself.

3. I have no problem with using your head in sports. But the head should be used only for head-butting your opponents, or maybe your teammates after a big play.

2. America sucks at it. Oooh, we made the final round, or whatever the hell it was, in the World Cup. We were competing against countries where people eat like two good meals a month, and make 80 cents per year. Compared to the high standards that we should live up to, we suck. Let's just give up and go back to focusing on sports that we can kick the hell out of everybody in, like air wars.

1. Ever since I was a kid, we've been hearing people say "Soccer's going to be the next great spectator sport in America." GIVE IT UP ALREADY! It's not going to happen. Sure, there are a lot of little kids running around in their little shorts, and the media for some reason loves to put them in TV shows and commercials, but the fact is as a spectator sport nobody gives a frog's fat ass, and nobody ever will. Enjoy your silly little sport, and stop trying to stuff it down our throats, or we will trip you and leave you writhing around on the ground in agony.