My Beliefs

• I believe that people that allow themselves to be classified strictly as "liberal", "conservative", "moderate", etc. are sheep. I am not a Republican, a Democrat, a Libertarian, or a Reformist. I am not a liberal, a conservative, or a radical. I am an intelligent human being that makes up his mind on individual issues based on the individual issues, not some all-encompassing, overriding ideology that is formed by guys in ties.

• I believe that the United States of America is the most charitable country in the history of human civilization. No other people have helped as many of their neighbors financially, militarily, or agriculturally. In fact, no other people have even come close. I believe that hatred of the United States is synonymous with resentment of the United States. Some resent our freedom, and some resent our prosperity, but the vast majority resent both - the fact that our prosperity demonstrates that our system of hard work and freedom works.

• I believe that we were duped. We were told that Iraq presented a threat to national security because they were developing horrible weapons that would be given to terrorists, and the majority of the country felt that disarming them would be a good idea. Unfortunately, it was all based on bullshit. The weapons weren't found because they never existed, and ultimately this was all about little Georgie Bush wanting to finish a war that his daddy did not. What a great reason to spend tens of billions of dollars and sacrifice the lives of over 4,000 innocent Americans. President Dubbya, or more accurately, Dick Cheney, is now responsible for more American deaths than the September 11 hijackers. Just think about that for a minute.

• I further believe that anyone still supporting this war is a fool. Now it's being spun as "fighting terrorism", but a CIA report (commissioned, incidentally, by the Bush administration) conclusively shows that Iraq is a far more fertile breeding ground for terrorists now than it ever was under Hussein's rule. In the end, this farce has accomplished nothing other than removing one bad guy from power and throwing a nation into civil war and chaos.

• I believe that people who say that being anti-war somehow means that you don't support the soldiers are either stupid or liars. If your son or daughter were in Iraq right now, how would you prefer I "support" them: by putting some half-assed fake ribbon magnet on the back of my car, or by insisting that they be brought home? For the record, I support our troops: I support bringing them home while most of them are still breathing.

• I believe that scumbags that choose to commit crimes should be punished. There are plenty of people that grew up under adverse conditions that worked hard to better their lives without preying on others. I believe that people who choose to kill others don't deserve to live, but I believe that no human being has the ultimate authority to make that call, so the best we can do is put them away forever under harsh conditions. I also believe that the risk of executing even one person that was wrongly convicted outweighs the justice of executing those that probably deserve it. Don't think that ever happens? Get your freaking head out of the sand and have a gander at this page.

• I believe that discrimination in any form is wrong, and it's not okay to say "that's just my belief". For example, you can say that homosexuals are immoral and have chosen to live that way, but you are wrong. There are people that believe the earth is flat, and they are wrong as well. People do not choose their race, their ethnicity, their gender, their IQ, their height, their natural hair color, or their sexual orientation, and if you choose to dislike or overlook someone based on any of those characteristics, you are a bigot and a bad person, period.

• I further believe that there are two kinds of people that think homosexuality is a choice: idiots and homosexuals that can't come to grips with their orientation. I am not sexually attracted to males because I am not gay. I did not choose to not have sex with men – I simply find the prospect completely unappealing. This, coupled with the fact that I have a brain in my head, makes it clear to me that nobody arbitrarily chooses to be gay because they want to be legally discriminated against. If you honestly don't get the fact that you don't get to choose, it probably means that you do NOT find sex with someone of your gender distasteful, in which case I got news for you, Bubba – you're gay. Deal with it.

• While successful people get that way for the most part through hard work and ability, almost everyone who is successful has been given opportunities or abilities. I therefore believe that those of us who are successful have a moral obligation to provide assistance to those that are less fortunate. I do not believe people should be able to make a living having babies and accepting welfare, but I believe that we as a society have every obligation to help out those that are making a legitimate effort to improve their lives, as well as those that are unable to help themselves. If this means paying an extra ten bucks in taxes every week, I can live with that since I'm profoundly grateful for how fortunate I am.

• I believe that the two party system is an abject failure as it inevitably results in endless bickering, and no actual progress. I believe it should be illegal for candidates for a judgeship to advertise a party affiliation - judges are elected and paid to enforce laws, not interpret them based on their own political views.

• I believe that those who choose to take illegal drugs are criminals and should be treated as such. Aside from infants born to dirtbag addict mothers, nobody has ever gotten addicted to drugs without first making a choice to begin taking drugs that they know are dangerous and illegal. I do not run the risk of becoming addicted to drugs because I have never once taken an illegal drug. This does not make me better than anyone, but it does make me smarter than many. I further believe that those who adamantly insist that drug testing is an invasion of their privacy have something to hide. I will be happy to pee into a cup at any time of the day for you, and I'll usually even add cream and sugar if you like.

• I believe that people who bitch about how high taxes are should try moving to someplace like Europe, where governments take a FAR greater portion. In the United States, we have a high standard of living largely because of the fact that our society is orderly and stable. A large part of that is an orderly, stable and well-funded governmental structure. If you do not like this, you are perfectly welcome to go live somewhere else.

• I believe that handguns are the single most clear threat to law and order in our country, and should be disallowed. The constitution guarantees the right to bear arms, not the right to own any frigging type of weapon that you want. If you wish to have a shotgun to protect your family, I guess I can live with that, although statistics show that you're about ten times as likely to shoot a friend or family member by accident as you are to actually use it to protect your home. I believe that if you use the "car analogy" for defending handgun ownership, you are either a liar, or dumb as a sack of newborn kittens. It goes like this: "More people get killed by cars than guns - should we ban cars, too?" No, you ignorant jackass, we should not. Automobiles have an important function other than killing things, and it is a very unfortunate byproduct of their use that accidents happen. If all automobiles were banned, our economy would collapse in a week. Guns, on the other hand, are made to kill things. This is their primary purpose. Comparing the two for your own agenda is either patently dishonest or immensely stupid.

• I believe that people who hunt do so entirely because they like to kill things, and that is wrong. I don't care if you eat the meat you kill or not - that's not why you're out there. I eat meat because I am part of an omnivorous species that is meant to eat meat. I do not take joy in the killing of the animals that end up on my dinner plate. I further believe that very, very few "courageous" hunters would be interested in hunting if they were hunting other hunters that had an opportunity to shoot back at them.

• I believe that any woman that would abort her own unborn child for reasons of convenience is worthy of contempt. However, we are still a democracy, and a majority of citizens feel that abortion should not be illegal, so I must oppose its illegalization. I further believe that if you're one of the morality police that work endlessly to illegalize abortion, you damn well better be willing to start taking unwanted children into your home if that ever happens, because dude, there's going to be a LOT of them. Otherwise, you are a hypocrite and a piece of dung. If you think that outlawing abortion will result in idiots having less sex for fear of getting pregnant, you're just as dumb as they are.

• On a related note, I believe that if you allow one small issue to completely shape your political view and influence the way you vote, you are an idiot and a bad citizen. I've seen bumper stickers that say things like "I'm pro-life, and I vote!", or "I'm pro-choice, and I vote!" The implication is that these people will vote for or against a candidate based on their views on one issue. This makes you a dumbass unworthy of a vote, especially if the issue happens to be abortion. This has been decided by the Supreme Court, and can only be revisited by the Supreme Court. The asswipe congressional candidate you voted for on an anti-abortion platform has as much say on the legality of abortion as does Fidel Castro: none.

• I believe that 99% of the population of the United States comes from an immigrant background, and that LEGAL immigrants to our country should be embraced, not looked down upon, for when you grow up and get away from the tiny little world you grow up in, you learn to appreciate the fact that diversity is a wonderful thing, not something to be suspicious of. I also believe that if you choose to immigrate to a predominantly English-speaking country, it's not too damn much to ask that you learn to speak English. If this offends you, stay where you are. (If you think this means I'm in favor of declaring English the "official" language of Ohio, the U.S., or my neighborhood, bite me. I know that English is the dominant language here – I don't need some grandstanding politician to waste time making it "official".)

• I believe that organized religion has been responsible for more killings than anything else in the history of our planet, and is ultimately one of our great failings as a species. If there is a god, he created a world of infinite complexity and gave us the opportunity to do with it as we will. I do not believe that any god would give a rat's ass who wins a football game, whether or not I use language that people have deemed to be offensive or sinful, what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom, or what I do on Sunday mornings. I also find it completely ridiculous to think that a being powerful enough to create everything we know of in the universe would want me to devote my life to worshipping him. When people insist on behavior like that, we call them dictators. If you are a believer, I respect your beliefs , and I expect you to do the same for my lack of belief. I further believe that it's a far greater thing to live a decent and moral life because you want to than it is to live that way for fear of offending a supreme being, or in the interest of receiving some eternal reward after you croak.

• I believe that people who try to force science teachers to teach creation instead of evolution are among the most ignorant people on the planet. I do not believe that evolution, which by the way is a scientific fact, not a theory, precludes the notion of a divine creator. But this is completely immaterial to the discussion. If you feel otherwise, you are completely ignorant of what "science" means. Call it creationism or intelligent design or any other damn fool thing you want, but it simply is not science and never will be. Religion and science are complete and utter opposites: religion is belief without proof, and science is an insistence on proof. If you do not know this, you should go back to elementary school and retake science class. If you want to see what happens when a powerful group of people is allowed to impose their religious views on a society, take a long hard look at Afghanistan.

• I believe I'll go have a beer.